Alright.

shitshitshit.


i feel screwed.
i feel like i wasted my emotional rollercoaster last year.



so today, i heard from a friend that well, people were talking about me.
oh sure fine, it's not me being a biaaatch or something. not the stuff i'm used to.
no, it was me being a suck up.


A SUCK UP.
A BOOTLICKER.


the first time i've ever been called something like this.
the first time i've ever felt so torn up and (idon'tknow) hurt?! since primary school.


and the thing is, the person who first commented on me being a suckup, was in the circle of people who i thought i was pretty okay with. you know, like big brothers or something.

and to think, i really did think i could trust them. who knew they really thought i was a suck up?! gosh.


so in short, i've just been told that i've pretty much been backstabbed by the very people who i really thought were friends?

wow, that's the real world for you girl.

so am i really a suckup?
sure i talk to the seniors.
i talk to them alot.

but i don't now, not anymore.
i'm sticking to my own sec twos more now, which is i think a good thing, though it's a pity i'm not as close to the sec threes anymore...


okay so maybe i'm acting on just a simple rumour. something that somebody created.

still, it poses the question...

am i really that well-liked as i thought i was?




shit people.
my defences are crumbling and my confidence is shattering.

my primary school friends, my very best ones, have already seen how i've somehow destroyed my own personality.

i've no confidence left in what i see in myself.

mentally/academically, i don't believe i'm all that smart anymore. which is true. i don't believe i'm as good as some people think i am.

physically, huh, i tell people i don't mind being short, or i just smile and shake off their taunts, but you know what? i really do mind. i mind not being able to do so much, not being able to go right into people's faces and telling them off the way i want to because I CAN'T REACH THEIR FACE. and always being teased that i can't play netball/basketball/whatever?!

please, you need skill, not height. it's a disadvantage, but atleast i think i'm good enough.

being the butt of so many jokes really takes a hit, just to let you know all you lucky average-height insensitive idiots...


and once again, to the topic of insensitive.


i hate that english teacher. Mr. Yeo Shi Yuan. (not the one from 2IT)

you see we were having a conversation, and we were like arguing (of course playfully, not so mean) and then, i said something real smart.

what was his response?
something not so smart.

he resorted to everyone's last resort.
insultation(?) of what runs in my blood.

i'm a filipino and i'm very proud.

but what do most people think of filipinos, especially in such a developed country like Singapore?

yep you guessed it, DOMESTIC WORKERS, also known as MAIDS.

now you see, he went along and called me Marianne(?) or some name he thinks is stereotypically FILIPINO and said, "i don't need a maid to follow me around."

now, sure that really cut my heart when he said it the first time.

but subsequently, everytime he saw me and wanted to say something, he always started by bringing up the topic of me being a "maid".

now i don't mean disrespect sir, but shit you.

you're just one of those typical Chinese people that thinks they're so high and mighty because most of them employ maids, and most maids employed are filipinos. so what, you think that just because we working as maids in some places, that we are all maids?

SHIT YOU.
you have no right to say such things.
you've got people of your race working as cleaners too, that's almost equal to maids. we filipinos have got positions at the top of big corporations and business.

you know what? stop being so egotistical, stop being so stereotypical. you're living in a goddamned multi-racial country so start acting like it and don't look down on other races.

and you know, haven't you ever thought that filipinos are maids because we're good at what we do?

i'm sorry readers, if this was too heavy for you.
but i swear, i'm sick of it.

and not only that, i really feel like i've shattered my own defences, let
my wall fall.
that i've lost my confidence, and just let what everyone else think rule my
actions.

and shit, you can see the tears that roll down my cheeks.

alright the other post was rubbish.
but i love rubbish.


i really wanted to type out an entire paragraph of nonsensical rubbish to pollute your mind, but my own tiny little mind could not stand the temptation of TV and Dr. House! sigh, the downsides of having a short attention span...

tsktsk.

there's that boy in the corner
once again.
he's revealed by light
now and then.

so what is this creature,
strange, mysterious?
a boy perhaps, a man more like?
a clown, or much more serious?

every now and then,
a melancholy tune is whistled.
sounds like a man,
a man who's been through things and fizzled.

he's old, he's young,
he's a confused little soul.
he's strong, he's brittle,
he's who nobody knows.

ALRIGHT THAT CAME OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD.




geeeeeeez. argh. PHILIPPINES!
amf.

anyway, i lost my train of thought, it was insanely long, but i lost it.
so for now, i shall leave you lonely reader one question,

plurk? or no plurk?

oh and by the way, if you're reading this, i suggest you seriously comment because right now, i have no idea why i'm still blogging when my blog is possible already dead. -.-

noone likes my life anymore D:

thank you good night (:

random post of random words with barely no paragraphings.

IT'S (almost) THE HOLIDAYS!

ohmygosh i'm so excited.


but wait...
there's more!

WHY!


i am excited, because I have printed out my Math Holiday Homework and I am GOING to do it! ohmygosh that is so so so exciting!



okay no not really.



i'm excited, BECAUSE IM GOING BACK TO THE PHILIPPINES YES OH YES OH YES!!!!


and i'm excited for one other reason that I don't really REALLY want to make public.
in ya face you nosy *bleeeeep*



ANYWAY, i have started Math holiday homework, and i intend to do the Chinese ones too.
sigh.


pathetic no life loser geek.
sighsighsigh.

FINALLY, i am done with section jacket.
FINALLY, i am almost done with class tee -.-

if it's not those cowboy boots in the summer,
then ohmygod i'd pray for another
chance to drive down back highways
til i stumble upon your beautiful (something. rhymes with ays.
eeek)

OHMYGODDDD.


why am i so hyper? I don't really know!

but in honest truth, i really did enjoy the history trip today. the information and stuff really did sink in, and i was so INTERESTED. ohmy. INTERESTED.

and also i found out that i am very much deathly afraid/paranoid of wax figures. i think.


ALRIGHT.
im done. for now. *evil laughter*


and ohmygooooooosh. he talked he talks he mineeee.

alright i'm ALMOST done with my class tee.
and calling suppliers too, but that's a different thing.



IT'S A COLD AND IT'S A BROKEN HALLELUJAH.

rips your heart out and sends shivers down your spine.
definitely.



well anyway, i was reading FML this morning and then i had this urge to send something in.

what would i send?

"today i woke up and immediately went to do my math holiday homework. i was
frantically searching for it in the school website and i really wanted to do it.
there's 1 week to the start of holidays. the homework hasn't even been published
yet. i'm a geek. FML."

there we go (:

awesome isn't it? I really actually wanted to do the work.


sigh. it's sad.

BUT OH WELL.

i'm beginning this half of the year in a new light.

definitely gonna attempt to do more art-sy stuff. I think i'll have more time in the later half. for some unknown reason.

and i did score insanely above my expectations for my MYEs, which is AWESOME.

and i don't know what direction this post is going but i'm just gonna keep going until i'm tired.

i'm quite tired now.


listen to HALLELUJAH!!!

Alright alright I know i'm insanely late in this, but DEVIANTART is coming to Singapore!

YES, FINALLY.

anyway, yep, i don't want to be the only kid there, and I need some people to go with me!
yeeesh.



TEXT ME IF YOU WANT TO GO (withme!)
or if you're going.


it's tomorrow, 4PM, at the Merlion Park
(the one near the Fullerton Hotel. Esplanade Drive i think.)

OH. 

"You can't break a broken heart"

welcome to the new blogskin. 

1. Star Trek

2. Ghost of Girlfriends Past

3. Terminator Salvation

4. Night at the Museum 2

5. Up

6. Land of the Lost

7. The Taking of Pelham 123

8. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

9. My Sister's Keeper

10. HARRY POTTER!!!!!

11. G.I. Joe

12. Bandslam

13. Sherlock Holmes

14. Public Enemies

I want new guitar strings!

everyone will be screaming in triumph and relief. 

and then we'll be thrown into disappointment and elation during the debriefs. 

-GUITAR STRINGS

- CAPO

-GUITAR PICK

-NEW BLADES (freestyle oh freestyle)

Using my mom's Macbook now. it's a rather strange invention, no doubt. 

You know how loads of people go on hiatus during the exams ?

yeah well i don't believe in that kind of tradition.

BUT, because i have been so busy lately, studying and all, i have in fact been on an unannounced hiatus that even i didn't know i was on.

how's that for clever!


Went to study at the library with Jeanette yesterday. She went home at like, 6.15? So I ended up walking all the way to Popular on my own. sigh .

but mama came to pick me up so it's okay (:


HAHAHA I BIT MY TONGUE. and there were two bite marks that were not-really-bleeding-but-it-was-still-really-red!

and Darren dreamt of me. um, ew? i'm flattered but still. ew.


WOKEUPONTHEWRONGSIDEOFLIFETODAY.

As you would have probably noticed, i have changed my playlist.

no, not just the layout you moron.
it's the songs.



no more preppy naive Taylor Swift love songs, for now.
it's a little bit of other stuff now (:

enjoy~


____________________________________________



alright so back to the usual blogpost.

let's just say i'm still a robotic emotionless freak panicking because she isn't studying right about now even though she's freakin' sick of seeing anything eduational.


my mom's making tortillas.

i figured out how to play KRISTY ARE YOU DOING OKAY on the piano. yay me~

sick of love? love sick? same difference ain't it. well that's me.

i thought of a few things.

these lines are what's going through my brain.

i thought of this in chinese compo exam... "if you're romeo, can i be juliet?"
and i imagined this scene of a girl walking in on a guy in costume. hah?

and then there's this line, "the Mafia's dangerous business boy. don't go messing around with it."
and that's accompanied with Robert DeNiro relaying that line to a little boy, probably someone who looks along the lines of Eric Bana. hah?

"you've got be putting x's everywhere." another random line.

time travel as stated by the English textbook doesn't work that way. it just means you'll go somewhere reaaaaally far, reaaaaaaally fast.

the Da Vinci Code is on AXN...

I HATE STUDYING LIKE MAGNETS REPEL EACH OTHER.

(i have no idea where that came from)

i need chocolate. do you?

LET GO is playing.
oh i love the new player (;

bambambambambooo.
chugachugachugachoochoofizzzz.

i think i'm done now .