shitshitshit.


i feel screwed.
i feel like i wasted my emotional rollercoaster last year.



so today, i heard from a friend that well, people were talking about me.
oh sure fine, it's not me being a biaaatch or something. not the stuff i'm used to.
no, it was me being a suck up.


A SUCK UP.
A BOOTLICKER.


the first time i've ever been called something like this.
the first time i've ever felt so torn up and (idon'tknow) hurt?! since primary school.


and the thing is, the person who first commented on me being a suckup, was in the circle of people who i thought i was pretty okay with. you know, like big brothers or something.

and to think, i really did think i could trust them. who knew they really thought i was a suck up?! gosh.


so in short, i've just been told that i've pretty much been backstabbed by the very people who i really thought were friends?

wow, that's the real world for you girl.

so am i really a suckup?
sure i talk to the seniors.
i talk to them alot.

but i don't now, not anymore.
i'm sticking to my own sec twos more now, which is i think a good thing, though it's a pity i'm not as close to the sec threes anymore...


okay so maybe i'm acting on just a simple rumour. something that somebody created.

still, it poses the question...

am i really that well-liked as i thought i was?




shit people.
my defences are crumbling and my confidence is shattering.

my primary school friends, my very best ones, have already seen how i've somehow destroyed my own personality.

i've no confidence left in what i see in myself.

mentally/academically, i don't believe i'm all that smart anymore. which is true. i don't believe i'm as good as some people think i am.

physically, huh, i tell people i don't mind being short, or i just smile and shake off their taunts, but you know what? i really do mind. i mind not being able to do so much, not being able to go right into people's faces and telling them off the way i want to because I CAN'T REACH THEIR FACE. and always being teased that i can't play netball/basketball/whatever?!

please, you need skill, not height. it's a disadvantage, but atleast i think i'm good enough.

being the butt of so many jokes really takes a hit, just to let you know all you lucky average-height insensitive idiots...


and once again, to the topic of insensitive.


i hate that english teacher. Mr. Yeo Shi Yuan. (not the one from 2IT)

you see we were having a conversation, and we were like arguing (of course playfully, not so mean) and then, i said something real smart.

what was his response?
something not so smart.

he resorted to everyone's last resort.
insultation(?) of what runs in my blood.

i'm a filipino and i'm very proud.

but what do most people think of filipinos, especially in such a developed country like Singapore?

yep you guessed it, DOMESTIC WORKERS, also known as MAIDS.

now you see, he went along and called me Marianne(?) or some name he thinks is stereotypically FILIPINO and said, "i don't need a maid to follow me around."

now, sure that really cut my heart when he said it the first time.

but subsequently, everytime he saw me and wanted to say something, he always started by bringing up the topic of me being a "maid".

now i don't mean disrespect sir, but shit you.

you're just one of those typical Chinese people that thinks they're so high and mighty because most of them employ maids, and most maids employed are filipinos. so what, you think that just because we working as maids in some places, that we are all maids?

SHIT YOU.
you have no right to say such things.
you've got people of your race working as cleaners too, that's almost equal to maids. we filipinos have got positions at the top of big corporations and business.

you know what? stop being so egotistical, stop being so stereotypical. you're living in a goddamned multi-racial country so start acting like it and don't look down on other races.

and you know, haven't you ever thought that filipinos are maids because we're good at what we do?

i'm sorry readers, if this was too heavy for you.
but i swear, i'm sick of it.

and not only that, i really feel like i've shattered my own defences, let
my wall fall.
that i've lost my confidence, and just let what everyone else think rule my
actions.

and shit, you can see the tears that roll down my cheeks.