Okay so i've been meaning to post this up for a really really really long while now, but everytime I open up blogger, i realise i need music to think, and then i get distracted with all my music and i end up not doing this in the end.

sorry guys.


ANYWAY, pictures of my birthday are on my facebook and bea's. so go check 'em out (:


THANKS to all those who gave me presents and wished me happy birthday!

I'm really honestly glad I didn't post up a wishlist, or even wish for anything beforehand, cause I got all sorts of lovely surprises from everyone (:

First present was Vanessa's though, early in the morning. A thick wad of paper from her journal/diary planner thing that she hadn't let me see for a week or two.
She actually slammed the book on my hand when I tried to sneak a peek.

And let me tell you, V's not actually violent EVER, so that was a surprise (:

However if you do count the new rollerblades that my parents got me two weeks prior, and the guitar they got me half a week early, then yeahh, she's the third (:

AND, all of ya'll got me really cool creative stuff that really seemed to fit into my non-existent wishlist so thanks so much!



Now then, on to more serious matters. what else is this blog for???


Serious serious matters, that's what.


Anyways, lately i've been feeling kind of blue again, but not for the reasons as before.
For the first time in a long time, i'm feeling out of purpose ):

I've been feeling this coming along for a while, kind of like, i'm barely doing anything for SC or the class or netball that's really specifically MY job, and then i'm feeling pretty useless.
Or I see people who are of a lower level (in terms of status/title) than me, and the higher-ups are approaching them instead of me.

i feel like i'm losing the opportunities to prove myself worthy.

no purpose at all.

and then i realised i've been slacking off, losing everyone's favor.

it's like those courtiers (1500s) and the courtesans(?) of Paris back in the day. Not do well enough, or not do enough at all, and you lose out.

simple.

and mind you, i was feeling pretty bitter and jealous at today's National Day celebration. Just staring and staring at the hosts and wondering if i even had the chance to get up there.

it's really like everyone's lost faith, lost trust, lost purpose in me.

and then I feel disappointment and frustration at myself, because I lose out on opportunities to prove to others that I am capable. And i don't know WHY i'm losing out!

ughhh,

People in school whom i used to talk to, we've drifted apart sure, but some really really really went all the way away.

I don't get it.

did i do something? or did i say something? or did i not do anything which is why they've gone?



I don't like this.
not one bit.



PARTIES ON THE WEEKEND BABY